Rousseau's Baby Girl
by Haiza Tyri
Summary: A series of ficlets about Alex's experiences with Dr. Linus in the sideways world.
1. History

The first time she met Dr. Linus, her history teacher, Alexandra Rousseau wanted to hug him.  
>This, perhaps, was not so unusual, because she was an affectionate girl and he was a very dear, gently humorous little man with loneliness behind the smile in his eyes. But Alex knew better than to go around hugging teachers, even though it felt most oddly like she knew him already, as if in some other life he had actually been her father.<br>Alex laughed at herself, being a good-humored girl with a knack for seeing the ridiculous. But that year she signed up for every history class they would let her take and dropped softball for the history club.


	2. Flashes

When Alex's friends teased her about her relationship with her mother, calling her "Mommy's girl" and "Rousseau's baby girl," she just laughed at them and said her mom was the best and they were just jealous. What she didn't tell them, or anyone, was about what she called the flashes. Mostly they were just feelings, but they were always disturbing and terrifying. She would wake up in the night shaking and crying and convinced that someone had killed her mom. She would see her mom across the school parking lot and feel an unreasoning terror that someday someone was going to take her away from her. That was what made her catapult herself across the parking lot and hug her hard at the end of the school day, or what made her get up and rush out into the kitchen and burrow into her arms in the morning. Just the idea of what might be taken away made her appreciate what she had.


	3. Napoleon

Dr. Linus was the best history teacher Alex had ever had. He talked about history as if he was telling a story he had lived through. He made you see in your mind what had happened—there was power and magic in his voice, like he could make real what he told them about. He made her love the heroes, Washington and Wellington and George VI, but he seemed to have a special affinity for the bad guys, as if he understood what was going on in their heads. Napoleon had never been so real before, never so vivid and scary and oddly pathetic, an unimpressive little man driving all before him, taking everything he could, and ultimately catastrophically failing. She thought she could see him, stranded on that island where he died after making his final attempt to retake what had once been his, and he looked strangely like Dr. Linus. Which was ridiculous, because no one could be further from crazed, megalomaniacal genius than sweet Dr. Linus.


	4. History club

In a way, it was nice that there were only five students in the history club. Alex knew Dr. Linus knew it meant no one really cared about history, and that it discouraged him to see his subject—his whole life—being so unappreciated. But to Alex it meant more personalized attention. For two hours a week, Dr. Linus was more than a teacher. He was a friend. He and she and four others who shared a passion sat around and ate chips and argued happily about whether Halsey really was a fool, as the Lithuanian captain said in that submarine movie, and whether Marie Antoinette had really said, "Let them eat cake," and whether Richard III really was the bad guy Shakespeare made him out to be. She wished there was some way she could tell him how much he really was appreciated.


	5. Plots

Alex had conceived a deep and desperate plan.

She had managed to get her mother to talk about her dad one night, and Mom had told her how they had met in college in a science class, how they used to sit for hours talking about science and love and how they wanted to discover new species. They'd almost gone on an expedition together, but when Robert found out Danielle was pregnant with Alex, he wouldn't let them go. Instead he proposed, and they got married. Two and a half years later he died.

She'd looked so sad, even after fourteen years. Alex said impulsively, "Are you lonely, Mom?"

Mom had smiled quickly in a way that wasn't completely real and said, "Of course not. I have you. What else do I need?"

Maybe she'd meant it, but Alex had seen that loneliness in her eyes, and that was when she began to make her plan.

Dr. Linus wasn't anything like her father. In the pictures Robert was young and handsome and strong, his face dark and vivid. Dr. Linus was little and old and quiet, sort of meek. Until he started talking about history, and then he came alive in a way that made her think of her mother and those long talks with Robert about science.

And Alex thought, _What if they met? What if they liked each other?_ Her mother already was a fan of her kind teacher without having met him, after all that time he had been spending tutoring her for her AP tests. And no one could help but love her mom. What if?

She didn't tell anyone. The other kids would make fun of her for plotting ways to make odd little Dr. Linus her dad.


	6. Coq Au Vin

The opportunity presented itself like a gift out of the blue, though the circumstances might have been better. Seeing Dr. Linus with his face battered and his arm in a sling wasn't quite what she'd prayed for, though with it came one of those odd flashes of emotion, this one stark recognition. Something made her think she'd seen him beat up before. Which again was absurd. But it was the perfect opportunity.

She convinced him, with all her charm, that he couldn't possibly drive home, dragged him over to her mother, who was only too pleased to meet him, and pretended to come up with the sudden idea for dinner. Maybe another time he might have succeeded in demurring, but in his condition, battered and with one arm (like Napoleon, as she told him with a laugh), it would be a feat if he could heat up a bowl of soup. And it was coq au vin night, which he seemed to appreciate. Mom was the best cook.

On the way she plotted out her plan of attack. They would eat dinner. Dr. Linus would be sweet and adorable, and Mom would be fun and scintillating. Alex would complain about her big math test tomorrow and leave the table slightly early to go study. If there was one thing Dr. Linus couldn't help her study for, it was math, as he had once told her before. Mom would let her skip out on the dishes if she made a show of really needing to study. Then Dr. Linus would have to hang out in the kitchen and talk while Mom did the dishes. This would work.


	7. Charmed

Sometimes Alex thought she had a charmed life, because everything always seemed to work the way it should. Well, not everything. but look at the letter the principal had written for her! Look at how perfectly her plot was working. She sat at her desk in the living room pretending she was studying while really she was straining hard to hear the conversation in the kitchen. When she heard Mom say it was nice to have someone besides her to cook for, she bit her pencil in glee. _You can cook for him every night, Mom!_ And then he brought up her father, and Alex felt sudden outrage, because she was _telling_ him that Alex thought of him as a father! She wasn't even supposed to know that, and she definitely wasn't supposed to tell him! She would scare him away!  
>Then Alex had to look extremely studious, because Dr. Linus came out into the living room and stared at her. She didn't dare look up. She was so afraid of the disapproval on his face. She had a sudden idea, like one of the flashes, that she knew exactly how he would look with deep disapproval for her on his face. She couldn't bear that.<br>But he returned to the kitchen, and she heard her mom ask what was wrong and him say something about onions. Had she made him cry? Seriously. _Had_ she? Alex got up and ran into the bathroom.  
>Later Dr. Linus was leaving, and he came over to her desk and put his hand on the back of her chair. His voice was soft. "Thank you for inviting me, Alex."<br>She looked up at him, and there was no disapproval at all, only softness. "Will you come again, Dr. Linus?"  
>"Yes, Alex, I will come again."<p> 


	8. Bouillabaisse

The next time he came, it was because Alex invited him again, while his arm was still in its sling. Her mother protested, because she was making tamales for the first time (she'd been watching Tyler Florence recently) and didn't want to embarrass herself with bad Mexican food in front of Dr. Linus. But they were delicious tamales, and he was impressed.

But the third time, it was all Mom's idea. She was going to make her famous bouillabaisse and said to Alex that morning, as if it was a sudden impulse, "Do you think Dr. Linus has ever had a real French bouillabaisse?"

Alex laughed to herself, because she knew it hadn't been a sudden impulse any more than her first invitation had been, and said, "Even if he's had a dozen real French bouillabaisses, he'll love yours, Mom."

And Mom had looked oddly pink and pleased.


	9. Doubts

Dr. Linus had been looking a little odd in class today. He came into class and looked around as if he had never been there before. His eyes fell on her, and she could swear he went pale, and he didn't look at her again. He stumbled in his lecture and consulted his book as if he suddenly didn't know what he was talking about. After class he hurried quickly away instead of waiting around to see if anyone had questions as he always did. Alex usually had questions.

"Did Dr. Linus seem weird to you today?" Karl asked. He was in the history club. Alex secretly liked him.

"Yeah, he did."

"I noticed he goes to your house a lot."

Alex suddenly grinned at him. "Don't worry. I think he likes my mom."

Karl laughed. "Careful. You might get him for your dad."

"Would that be so bad?"

"I suppose not. He's pretty great."

"Yeah, he is."

But she wondered if he was starting to have second thoughts about having dinner twice a week at a student's house. Maybe she should just come right out and suggest he ask her mom out. Or tell Mom she should ask him out. But not until after she saw whether he still intended to come over for boeuf bourguignon and history tutoring tonight.


	10. Forgiveness

He actually came. He was strangely subdued all evening, though Mom had made boeuf bourguignon, which he had once mentioned was a particular favorite, and joked about the French woman learning a French dish from Julia Child. He told Mom he thought he was coming down with a cold and then had to strenuously resist her solicitous offers of medicine and orange juice and chicken soup and garlic. As he and Alex sat over her history later, his mind was clearly on other things, though he could usually be counted on to become quite enthusiastic about the subject of how the Norman conquest changed Anglo-Saxon culture in England.

Then he said abruptly, "Alex, what would you do if you found out that someone you looked up to and respected had once been a really horrible person? What if you found out that the worst thing that had ever happened to you was all the fault of someone who later became your friend?"

She stared at him. "Dr. Linus, did someone do something to you?"

"What? No—consider it a—a hypothetical situation. I just want to know what you would do in a situation like that."

"I don't think I can even imagine a situation like that." But even as she said it, there was one of the flashes, an instant of extreme terror, of needing someone to protect her, of feeling absolute betrayal by whoever was supposed to protect her. She clutched her desk and tried to keep from bursting into terrified tears. _It's not real. It's not real. It's all in your mind._

"Alex, are you alright?"

She looked up into a comforting, self-reproachful face and immediately felt better. _Of course it's not real._ "I suppose it would depend on the person, wouldn't it? I mean, the friend? Is he a friend just so he can hurt you again? Or does he want to try to make up for what he did? You couldn't stay friends with someone who wanted to hurt you."

"What if he wants to make up for it? But what if he never can? What if what he did was so bad that he can never make up for it, no matter how much he wants to? He could never deserve forgiveness."

"Dr. Linus, don't you know anything about forgiveness? You don't forgive people because they deserve it. You forgive people because they _need_ it. If they deserved it, they wouldn't need it."

For a moment Dr. Linus was the one who looked like he was going to burst into tears. He got up from his chair and walked away to the window. Alex followed him. She put a hand on his arm.

"Dr. Linus, who hurt you?"

He stared out through the crack in the curtains like he was seeing something far removed from the quiet street outside.

"I did. I hurt me. I'm sorry, Alex. I—I need to go. I have a meeting—at church. Thank your mother for the lovely meal for me. I'm sorry—"

He took his jacket and was gone, and she stared after him and wondered if he was ever coming back.

That night she dreamed she lived in a jungle.


	11. Choice

She had tutoring in the morning, but history was the last thing on Alex's mind. Dr. Linus came quietly into the library and smiled when he saw she had brought coffee. His demeanor was different: there was a strange new depth of sadness to it.  
>"Dr. Linus," she said, but he held up his hand, sat next to her, and looked at her intently with his odd, big eyes.<br>"Alex, I'm sorry for the way I left you. I'm sorry for—for everything."  
>"What everything is there to be sorry for? I mean, you were upset about something last night, but I suppose adults are allowed to be upset."<br>He smiled again, and for some reason it seemed like the first time he had ever smiled.  
>"Dr. Linus, what's wrong?"<br>"It's one of the best days and one of the worst days of my life. It's the worst because I've been remembering some horrible things that...happened and just said goodbye last night to some people who...reminded me of them. But it's the best because I have a chance to make some things right."  
>"What could you possibly have done that has to be made right?"<br>His smile was so painful she wished she hadn't asked. "I made a choice once, Alex. I made the wrong choice, and someone died. Someone I loved more than I knew. She died because of my selfishness. And recently I had the chance to make a similar choice, without even knowing it, my future or someone else's, and I made the right choice this time. It's the best day because it's the chance to make the right choices, for once in my life."  
>Alex sat and stared at Dr. Linus. She felt that if she just tried hard enough, she would know exactly what he was talking about. She didn't want to.<br>"Does this mean you're not going to stop coming over for dinner? Because I was afraid you were."  
>"Do you want me to stop?"<br>"_No!"_  
>"Then I won't."<br>"But you can ask her out, you know."  
>"What?"<br>"My mom. It's alright. I wouldn't mind."  
>The strangest expression went across Dr. Linus' face. "I don't think she would want that."<br>"Of course she would! Don't be silly. Or shy."  
>He only shook his head. "While we're on the subject of asking out, young lady, what do you intend to do about Karl?"<br>She felt herself going red. "What about Karl?"  
>"I think you should ask him out."<br>_ "Dr. Linus!"_  
>"Alex, you are a beautiful, charming, and intelligent young lady, and he is a seventeen-year-old boy with acne. How is he going to have the courage to ask you? You'll have to ask him."<br>"Do you think—does he like me?"  
>"I think he does."<br>Alex squealed, more loudly than appropriate for a library, and nearly threw her arms around his neck but managed to restrain herself. He gave her a smile that laid gladness along the new, deep sadness of his eyes.


	12. Dream

Alex got used to the new Dr. Linus. He was still Dr. Linus, still sweet and intent and occasionally funny, but sometimes he had a sarcastic edge to him that was unexpected and rather delightful, and the sadness rarely left him. It did when he sat at the dinner table with her and her mom laughing about something she or her mom had said, and then it would come back in a rush, as if whatever it was they were laughing about was the very thing that made him sad. Sometimes she thought there was fear there, too. It was because of that that she told him one day about what made her afraid.

"I keep having these nightmares. I'm running around in this jungle, with a gun, trying to protect someone who's in danger. Once I thought it was Karl, but that's just, you know, real stuff intruding in my dreams. And my mom is there, only she's not my mom but some stranger. And you're there, and you're tied to a tree, and some guy is trying to kill you."

His face was very quiet. "What do you think it means?"

"Does it have to mean something? Unless I've psychically deduced that the mob is after you, or something. Somebody doesn't want to kill you, right?"

"Not anymore," he said dryly. "When you're running in the jungle, who are you running from?"

"I don't know. Someone I know really well. Someone I hate. But I don't hate him, at the same time, because I feel really guilty for running and for trying to protect whoever I'm trying to protect."

"Do you know what it means, that you hate him and don't hate him?"

"No…It's like, I just wish he'd _understand._ I wish he would be _normal_ instead of being weird and scary. I wish he'd pay attention to me instead of his stupid Island!" When tears poured down her face, she wiped them away with some astonishment. "What on earth? This is dumb. It's a _dream."_

"When you feel this strongly about something, it's not just a dream. It really means something to you, and you should try to find out what."

"Dr. Linus," she whispered, "I think he's my dad."

His face went white. "Your—Robert?"

"No, not him. Some other dad, the way my mom is Danielle Rousseau in the dream but isn't my mom."

"Interesting. Well, for the record, I'm certain that whoever it is in the dream eventually wishes he'd paid attention to you instead of to the Island."

Alex had to grin. "Dr. Linus, it's a dream. You can't predict it like a story or history."

He only raised his eyebrows. "It's only logical that with a daughter like you, he'd have to be a fool if he didn't realize that eventually. Even if it is just your own dream."

That made her feel ridiculously warm inside. But he still hadn't asked her mom out.


	13. Posole

It was time for the next phase of the plot. If Mom and Dr. Linus weren't going to make the move, Alex was perfectly capable of making it herself.  
>That afternoon she came home from school and rushed immediately upstairs, shouting to Mom about homework. She dashed through her homework, of which thankfully she didn't have much, and then changed her clothes, did her hair, and touched up her makeup. It smelled wonderful when she went downstairs.<br>"What are you making, Mom?"  
>"Posole."<br>"What is that?  
>"A kind of Mexican soup."<br>"Mexican again? I swear you're in love with Tyler Florence."  
>Her mom swatted her playfully with a potholder.<br>"Is it ready for me to have a bowl before I go?"  
>"Go? Go where?"<br>"Mom! The thing at Karl's church he wanted me to go to? I told you about it ages ago!"  
>"I thought you said that was next week."<br>"Did I? Weird. It's tonight. You said I could go, Mom."  
>"But Dr. Linus is coming for dinner."<br>"Oh, no! He is!" She sighed. "Well you'll just have to manage without me, Mom. Sorry to abandon you, but...you know. Karl."  
>Her mom grinned at her. "Karl. Will there be others there?"<br>"Mom! Of course there will! His mom's picking us up. You have no idea how embarrassed he was to tell me that."  
>"Oh, I have an idea."<br>Dr. Linus was ringing the doorbell just as she peeked out to see if Karl was here. "Alex, you look very nice."  
>"Thanks, Dr. Linus! I have a sort of not-date. Oh, there he is. Sorry. Got to run. See you next time, Dr. Linus."<br>She left him standing and staring after her on the porch and grinned to herself as she hopped into Karl's mom's car. One date: successfully arranged.


	14. Chance

Alex came home at 9 o'clock and saw with glee that Dr. Linus' car was still there. She went in the back door into the kitchen, hoping there was some posole left. That stuff was good, if a bit spicy.

The moment she stepped inside, though, she heard raised voices.

"—stole my child!"

"Saved your life, Rousseau. And hers. Charles wanted me to kill her! Instead I raised her! I got rid of Charles. I protected her!"

She might have thought the TV was on, but it was definitely their voices, her mother's more strongly accented than usual.

"Do you tell yourself that so you can feel better about being a monster?"

There was silence as Alex stood frozen in the kitchen.

"Yes," Dr. Linus said quietly. "I did tell myself that for that very reason. I loved her, Rousseau, as well as I knew how, but it wasn't enough. She would have been better off with you off in that jungle. You wouldn't have gotten her killed. But I _loved_ her. It was wrong and unjust how it happened, but she _was_ my daughter."

"I should kill you for saying that." She had never heard her mom sound like that before.

"You've already tried, if you remember. But you can't kill me, Rousseau. I'm already dead. I died on the Island, like you did. Like she did. Don't you remember? The men Charles sent after me killed you. They killed her too. It was all my fault. I have lived with that every moment of my life. Dying would have been better than living with it, but I lived with it. And now I have a chance to make it better, Rousseau! What do you think all _this_ is about? Do you think it's a coincidence that I woke up to find myself the teacher of the subject Alex is best at?"

Her mom's voice was low and angry. "What do you _want,_ Linus?"

"I want to be in her life! I want a chance to _give_ to her! Don't you understand? This is my chance the same way it is yours!"

"Why should I let you have any kind of chance with my daughter?"

Dr. Linus' voice broke. "Because I don't deserve it, Rousseau. I don't deserve it, but she does. She deserves _me_ to do _better._ And she needs a father, Rousseau."

"You are _not_ _her father."_

"You once said I was the closest thing she had to a father. I'm the only father she's ever had. I just want a _chance."_

"Get out of my house. _Get out!_ Or I will kill you, the way I should have done when I found you in my trap."

Dr. Linus turned slowly from where he was standing by the fireplace. "Rousseau, this is your chance as well as mine to have the life you should have had. And it's Alex's chance, too. Why not let her choose?"

He walked out into the dining room to get the jacket slung over a chair, and then he saw Alex standing in the kitchen doorway, trembling. He sighed, came up to her, put his hands on either side of her face and said, "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm so, so sorry." He kissed her forehead, tears in his eyes, and was gone while she stood reeling in the doorway.


	15. Choose

"Mom, what is going on?" Alex whispered.

Her mom was sitting on the floor against the couch, crying in a way Alex had never seen her cry. She looked up, and to Alex's shock her face seemed radiant while she cried. "Oh, my Alex, I didn't know you were there. I didn't know you'd heard—you should not have had to hear that. I'm sorry—"

"Mom, _what_ was that about? It made _no sense!"_

"Come here, Alex. Come here." She held out her arms, and Alex ran across the room and burrowed into them. Her mom held her tightly, and she could feel her still crying. "Oh, my Alex, I can't believe I get to hold you. I can't believe you're here!"

"Mom! _What is going on?"_

"Alex, my dearest, it's not time for you to know yet, I think. Someday soon you'll understand everything, and it will all make sense, but until it does, I just want you to enjoy your life."

"_Mom!_ You and Dr. Linus were shouting complete nonsense at each other like you _hated_ each other!"

"We did hate each other. Long ago. So long ago, Alex."

"You had a daughter with him," Alex said numbly.

"_What? No!_ No—Alex, what you heard—none of it means what you think it means."

"What does it _mean?"_

Her mom took her face in her hand and looked into her eyes. "Do you trust me, Alex?"

Alex nodded. "Yes, Mom, I do," she said softly.

"Then trust me, and wait until it's time for you to understand."

Alex closed her eyes. Something in her mind was struggling to make itself known, some of that understanding she wanted her mom to give her, but she realized, again, that she didn't want to understand yet.

"Alright, Mom, on one condition."

"What, Alex?"

She tried to glare. "You let me keep Dr. Linus."

"Alex, you don't know—"

"No, Mom, I don't! _You_ said I can't know yet! So I'm telling you. I _need_ him in my life. Whatever it was he was talking about, he was right. He should be my father. I've known that since I first met him. So whatever weird, mysterious history you have with him, you don't get to kick him out. He said I should choose. _I choose."_


	16. Dad

Alex didn't have history the next day, and she didn't see Dr. Linus at all. They were supposed to have history club, but there was a note on the door saying he wasn't feeling well and had to cancel for the day. So she took the city bus to his house.

The door was opened by an old man with an oxygen tank. He took one look at her and smiled. "You must be Alex."

"How did you know?"

"I just know. Come on in. Ben stopped off at the store on the way home, so he isn't here yet. Your mom inspired him to try cooking. You know, instead of microwaving. He's not too bad."

"Are you his dad?"

"Yes. My name's Roger."

"If I'd known Dr. Linus had a dad, I would have invited you for dinner too."

"No, no. It's good to get him out of the house. Otherwise he'd spend all his time taking care of me. Do you know what Benjamin means? 'Son of my right hand.' He's been my right hand for a long time now. Always taking care of me. Time someone took care of him for a change."

"I wouldn't mind trying," she said in a low voice. "I'm trying to get my mom to want to, too, but they had a big argument yesterday. She accused him of kidnapping and murder, which is ridiculous."

Dr. Linus' dad leaned forward and patted her hand. "One thing I've learned, Alex: there's nothing a person can do that can't be forgiven. Everyone has the ability to do what is terribly evil, and everyone has the ability to do what is right and good. And everyone can change. Everyone should have a second chance. I should know."

The front door opened then, and Dr. Linus came in with two large grocery bags. He nearly dropped them when he saw Alex. "Alex?"

"Hi, Dr. Linus."

He put the bags on the table. "Dad, how's your oxygen? Do I need to change it out?"

"I think I'm done with it, Ben."

"Dad…"

"No. It's time for me to go, Ben. You have things to do that don't need to involve me. Now that I've seen Alex, I'm ready to go. I'll see you soon, son. Help me one last time, though."

Dr. Linus' hands seemed to tremble as he helped Roger remove his oxygen tubes. The old man stood straight and didn't seem quite so old. He reached out and took his son's face in his hands much as Dr. Linus had done to Alex yesterday and said, "I'm sorry for everything I did to you, Ben. I love you." And he kissed his forehead, and then they embraced for what seemed like a very long time. Alex could see Dr. Linus was crying, which was a little alarming. "I'll see you soon, Ben."

"Goodbye, Dad."

Roger walked out of the house. Dr. Linus stood staring at the screen door, and then he turned quickly and picked up his groceries. "Excuse me."

Alex sat where she was as he put the groceries away in the kitchen. When he came back out and set a cup of tea in front of her and sat down with one of his own, his eyes were pink, and yet, like her mom yesterday, there was a kind of radiance in them.

"What was he sorry for?" Alex asked.

"I remember him abusing me when I was younger. He blamed me for my mother's death and didn't take care of me. And then I remember doing something even worse to him. And now it is-has been-my privilege to care for him and his to love me and want good things for me. Because he's my dad." He smiled, luminosity in his eyes.


	17. Lasagna

"Alex, does your mom know you're here?"

"No."

"Then I'm afraid you can't stay."

"Dr. Linus, you said I should make my own choice."

"I did say that, but you can't make it in exclusion of your mother, who has devoted her whole life to you. Once I did not honor motherhood, Alex. Now I must. You need your mother more than you need a surrogate father."

"Thank you for saying that, Benjamin."

They both whirled in their chairs and saw Alex's mom standing at the screen door, looking in. Dr. Linus scrambled up to open it. "Rousseau—"

"Would you please stop calling me that? We're not on the Island anymore, Benjamin. My name is Danielle." She came in and sat down next to Alex. "I was just talking to your father outside, Benjamin. He told me what he did to you, and what Richard Alpert did to you, and what Jacob and the other man did to you. And then he told me what you did to him. He said it doesn't make what you did right, but it does explain it a little. He said you both forgave each other."

"Yes, we did. John Locke forgave me too. And now I can only hope you will be able to."

"He says he's leaving, and now you have no one left."

"Yes," he said quietly.

"Why didn't you leave?"

"Because I wasn't ready. I needed to have a chance to try to do what was right, to ask for your forgiveness, to try to do and be what I never could before."

Her mom reached forward and touched his arm. "I have seen that you are right. The time has come for me to forgive. That is what we have been given this time for. Especially now that I see that you have changed. I see you want what is best for my daughter."

"This time, Danielle, I would die for her, if I could."

She nodded. "I know that now. I forgive you, Benjamin, for her sake—and for mine, and maybe for yours, too."

Tears were in Dr. Linus' eyes again. "Thank you, Danielle."

It was all getting very weird, and Alex wondered if there was going to be kissing as well as crying. "So, can we all go home and have dinner now?"

"No," Dr. Linus said. "Today I'm making you dinner. Something simple, because I'm just learning. Do you like lasagna?"

Alex got up from her chair and went around the table, put her arms around Dr. Linus, and hugged him the way she'd wanted to from the beginning. She couldn't call him "Dad" yet, but she was certain that would change soon. After a moment, she felt him hug her back, and for some reason she wanted to cry and had a feeling that he did too. "Dr. Linus, I love lasagna. So does Mom."


	18. Epilogue: Boeuf Bourguignon

The day after Alexandra Rousseau-Linus received her acceptance letter from Yale, she went into the kitchen where her father was carefully following Julia Child's recipe for boeuf bourguignon and put her chin on his shoulder.

"Dad?"

"Yes, Alex?"

"I want to know the truth now."

Her mom, sitting at the kitchen table doing bills, looked up and stared at them. Her dad turned away from stirring his mirepoix to look at her. "Have you been remembering?"

"As long as I can remember, I've been having flashes and dreams. I could probably construct the whole story from them. But I think you're supposed to tell me."

His face went white and pinched. "Yes, I can see the—the logic in that."

"Benjamin—"

"No, Danielle. She's right. It's a cruel logic, but very apt." He turned off the burner and put the cubed beef back in the refrigerator, sat down at the table. Alex sat between her parents.

"Once, a very, very long time ago, I lived on an Island. I not only lived on the Island but I lived _for_ the Island. I also lived for myself. I knew that no one would love me or like me or give me anything on their own, so I would have to force them to, and if I couldn't force them to love me, at least I could force them to follow and obey me. I learned I could make nearly anyone do nearly anything I wanted—except love me, of course. Though I never did stop trying, and when people failed, there were terrible consequences. I thought I was doing it all for the Island, but really I was doing it all for me.

"I killed my father, who never loved me. I banished a great leader, who never liked me. I helped kill a whole settlement of people, who never accepted me. I kidnapped a woman and tried to make her love me and had her branded when she turned against me.

"And then one day I met a woman who had a baby. I was supposed to kill the woman, who was insane, but when I saw she had a baby, I stole the baby instead. I told myself she would die if she was left in the jungle with this crazy woman. I told myself that here, at last, was someone I could teach to love me. And for a while she did. She was the most beautiful child. She was clever and quick-witted and vivacious, and for ten or twelve years she was everything to me and I was her hero and her best friend. For a long time she never saw that I was a hard, manipulative liar and despot. She only saw that I was her daddy.

"But she grew up, my little girl. She was too clever to be deceived for long about who I was. It was easy enough to control her in the days when she was sweet and little, but she learned to have her own mind when she was a teenager, and I couldn't afford that. It seemed like overnight our companionship turned into outright war. Suddenly she saw straight through me, and she hated what she saw. She turned against me and wounded me deeply. She was just like everyone else, it seemed.

"I—I wanted to punish her and protect her at the same time. In the end all I only ended up punishing her for all my failings and all my mistakes and my crimes. _She_ paid for what I had done. She—she was murdered right in front of me, and I might have been the one pulling the trigger. The last words that she heard me say were 'She's not my daughter. I stole her as a baby from an insane woman. She's a pawn, nothing more. She means nothing to me.' I didn't mean them. I thought I could protect her by saying them, but ultimately I was just trying to protect myself, and she died with those words in her ears.

"Nothing I did after that mattered. It was the end of my life."

Alex was crying. She saw her mom reach over and take her dad's hand.

"The—the woman you stole the baby from—that was my mom."

He nodded.

"And the baby—that was me."

"Yes, Alex," he said softly.

"Then I'm—I'm dead. I'm the one you let him kill."

"Yes, Alex."

"Then what is _this?"_ she cried. "We're sitting at a _kitchen table,_ and you're making _boeuf bourguignon,_ and you're my _history_ _teacher,_ and you married my mom!"

"This is my chance to do it right. Since that moment, the only thing I have ever wanted to do was rush out to the man holding my daughter hostage and say, 'Leave my daughter alone. She's the only thing that matters to me. Kill me instead.' Or at least to be able to tell her, 'It's not true. Those were just words. I'm a liar, and I was lying. You're my little girl, and I'll always love you.' I never, ever thought I'd get the chance."

"Then say it, Dad! Please say it!" she sobbed.

He reached out and took her face in his hands and said slowly, "You're my little girl, Alex, and I'll always love you." Then he held her close and let her cry, and she understood why her mom had looked so radiant before. Her mom was holding her hand and crying and still looking radiant.

When she had stopped crying, she said into her dad's shoulder, "Does this mean I'm not going to Yale?"

He laughed a little. "You can do whatever you want. Go to Yale. Be wonderful. Your mom and I will wait here with you and for you as long as you need."

She shook her head. "I don't need to go to Yale anymore. I never did. I only needed this, Dad. But, before we go, can we finish the boeuf bourguignon?"


End file.
